Iris 16

The year he graduated from high school, Mu Qin held the enlistment application in his hands and hesitated over it for a long time.

It was not as though he had never imagined the happiness he and Zhou Yue might have had. Zhou Yue was a thoughtful person; when they were together, Mu Qin experienced the finest, most irreplaceable days of his life. Yet it was precisely because he cherished that time that Mu Qin ultimately chose to give it up.

He had long since seen clearly just how vast the gap between himself and Zhou Yue was.

Zhou Yue's Zhou family was the most prominent old family in that province and city. It was said that their history stretched back to the Qianlong era of the Qing dynasty. Their ancestors had dealt in jade, bringing in a torrent of wealth until they were said to be rich enough to rival a nation.

After the Qing dynasty's decline, the Zhou family had fallen on hard times for a while amid the turmoil of war. But later, its members built themselves back up from nothing, doing business, trading stocks, and developing real estate. They founded first-rate enterprises and became renowned throughout the country and even the world.

As the only son of the Zhou parents, Zhou Yue bore the heavy expectations of the entire family. From childhood onward, he had been subjected to a strict elite education and required to learn all manner of things: business, finance, corporate management, and more. Sooner or later, he would take over his father's company. His life had been arranged from the moment he was born, his road laid out before him; all he had to do was proceed straight down that road, never straying, and keep going.

The piano was merely a hobby Zhou Yue's relatively open-minded parents allowed him to pursue. No matter how gifted he was at music, no matter that it was also Zhou Yue's own dream, in the end he still could not freely chase the music he loved or become a musician on the stage that was his.

Mu Qin had asked Zhou Yue what he planned to do in the future. He had once thought Zhou Yue would rebel against the life his family had mapped out for him, but Zhou Yue only shook his head and said, "Let's just leave it as it is."

"Don't you think it's a pity?" Mu Qin looked disappointedly at his beautiful hands. "You should be onstage, seated at a piano, bathed in the spotlight and winning everyone's applause. Wasn't that your dream?"

But Zhou Yue said, "If it were that easy to achieve, it wouldn't be a dream. Taking over my father's company isn't bad either. I can make a lot of money, and I can take you traveling around the world!"

Zhou Yue's words made it sound so happy, but Mu Qin could dimly see the bleak future that lay between them.

They had been secretly dating for three years, and Mu Qin had come to understand Zhou Yue's family circumstances quite well. Zhou Yue's parents were the sort who appeared polished and tactful on the surface but were in fact exceedingly old-fashioned. You could tell as much from the way they had arranged everything for Zhou Yue from the day he was born.

Their family had some strange rules. They would not allow Zhou Yue to associate with ordinary classmates from school, saying that his friends had to be children of influential, high-status families.

They would not allow Zhou Yue's grades to fall below the top ten in his year. Otherwise, they would put pressure on him and find him all kinds of private tutors and cram schools until his grades improved.

They would not allow Zhou Yue to date, yet they had him spend more time around certain fashionable socialites.

Mu Qin could see it perfectly well: Zhou Yue's parents were laying the foundations for the road ahead of him, having him come into contact with people and things in society while he was still in high school and build a broad network of connections. Once he reached college, Zhou Yue could intern at the family company. The academic record and wide-ranging connections he had established in high school would let him quickly gain a firm foothold within the business. The moment he graduated, he could officially take over the company.

So Mu Qin could guess that Zhou Yue's shrewd parents would never allow him to wander down some absurdly deviant path. Being with someone of the same sex would be even more laughable to them. It would only damage Zhou Yue's reputation, make others prejudiced against him, and become a stain on his life's path.

Zhou Yue's future had to be bright. He would preside over a world-famous corporation, earn more money than Mu Qin could make in a lifetime, marry a noble and beautiful heiress, and have one or two children.

It was a good life, the very life countless people dreamed of but could never attain.

But whenever the young and sensitive Mu Qin imagined Zhou Yue's wonderful future with no place for him in it, he felt unwilling and heartbroken.

He had considered fighting for it. Even though their positions were worlds apart, Mu Qin did not think himself incapable. No matter what the future held, so long as he persisted and worked hard, perhaps he could one day reach the same position as Zhou Yue, stand at the same height. Eventually, he would have everything he wanted.

But Mu Qin was afraid.

At the time, he had nothing. His uncle had squandered every last cent the family had, even secretly selling their house behind Mu Qin's back. Mu Qin had nothing at all, yet he still faced the steep cost of college tuition. If he could not pay it, he could not attend the same university as Zhou Yue. But if he let Zhou Yue help, Mu Qin worried that paying double tuition would make Zhou Yue's family suspicious.

So during that period, Mu Qin was always afraid. Fragile as he was, he could not help thinking... What if I fail in the end?

What if he could not be with Zhou Yue? What if they parted ways? What if all his efforts ultimately came to nothing? Would he have to watch helplessly as Zhou Yue drifted farther and farther away from him, until they forgot one another in the wider world?

Mu Qin had always been alone, without parents or anyone to care for him, without family or friends. Young and immature, he had placed all his feelings in Zhou Yue. Zhou Yue's very existence was what gave Mu Qin the strength to keep living.

If he could not have it, then it would be better never to have had it at all.

So Mu Qin left.

Even though he had made that decision, looking back on it now, Mu Qin felt it had been both rash and wrong, and terribly cowardly. It was a decision foolish beyond measure. Years later, Mu Qin still regretted it deeply. He should not have left without saying goodbye. At the very least, he should have told Zhou Yue.

But he had simply gone far away from the world where Zhou Yue existed.

Mu Qin could almost imagine how devastated Zhou Yue must have been. Completely unlike the perfect maturity he presented on the surface, Zhou Yue was as fragile as Mu Qin himself. During the time they were together, Zhou Yue loved acting spoiled around Mu Qin.

Growing up, Zhou Yue had scarcely had the chance to act spoiled. His parents' strict upbringing and heavy schoolwork had forced him to mature too early. He had told Mu Qin himself that when he was little, he saw other people's children whining and rolling around playfully with their parents, clinging to them, and felt terribly envious. Yet whenever he wanted to act spoiled with his own parents or get close to them, their cold, unyielding manner always made him sneak back to his room and cry alone.

So after he had Mu Qin, Zhou Yue became terribly clingy. Whenever he had the chance, he would rush over, hug Mu Qin, and bury his face in the hollow of Mu Qin's neck. He seized every opportunity to be close to Mu Qin, wrapping his arms around Mu Qin's waist and kissing his cheeks, lips, and eyes. Whenever Mu Qin got fed up and waved him away, telling him to stay farther off, Zhou Yue would put on a wronged expression and stare fixedly at Mu Qin until Mu Qin's heart softened and he beckoned him back.

Zhou Yue had shown some restraint at first, but as time passed, he only grew more and more clingy. In that final year of high school, if even a moment passed without seeing Mu Qin, Zhou Yue would bombard Mu Qin's phone, stuffing its memory full of calls and messages.

Mu Qin had been a little reluctant to delete every text Zhou Yue sent.

That Zhou Yue in his memories, infinitely gentle and beautiful; the Zhou Yue Mu Qin had never been able to forget, yet had not dared to seek out even now.

And now he had appeared before Mu Qin, his entire body drenched in blood and broken beyond recognition.

He ought to have been an aristocrat living in luxury, enjoying the adoration of those who crowded around him. His path was bright and broad, so he should not have appeared here. This orphanage, filled with slaughter and darkness, was not a place Zhou Yue should have come.

"Why are you here?" That was why Mu Qin could not understand it at all. "You shouldn't be here."

Zhou Yue, who had remained silent all this time, finally broke the quiet. When he spoke, his voice was low and hoarse, probably because his throat had been cut. His voice did not sound very pleasant, but Mu Qin could still make out that familiar timbre... After being apart for so long, he was finally hearing Zhou Yue speak to him again.

Zhou Yue said, "I died, so I'm here."

"Impossible!" Mu Qin could not believe it. He stared at the man before him. "Why would you die? How could you possibly die?"

"Death can come at any time. Today, tomorrow, even now." Zhou Yue's voice was raspy. As he spoke, he withdrew the hand he had pressed against Mu Qin's stomach. At the end, he seemed somewhat reluctant to do so. He knelt on one knee in front of Mu Qin, placed his hand on Mu Qin's thigh, and lifted his head to look into Mu Qin's eyes. The gesture made him seem like a knight swearing an oath to a princess before a holy hall.

Mu Qin looked at him, then froze. An indescribable sorrow suddenly filled his heart. Mu Qin realized that if Zhou Yue truly was dead, then when they had parted ten years ago... it had been a final farewell.

Had they not met again in this game.

Mu Qin felt a faint, dull ache where his heart was, slight but lingering. It hurt so much he could barely breathe. Unable to bear it, he asked Zhou Yue, "How did you die?"

Zhou Yue did not answer at once. After a long silence, he raised his head and smiled at Mu Qin. But the bandages wrapped all over his face made the smile almost impossible to see. He said to Mu Qin, "Back then... during the time you disappeared, I was frantic. I looked for you everywhere."

Hearing this, Mu Qin opened his mouth, then stopped himself. He wanted to apologize to Zhou Yue. Leaving without a word back then must have hurt Zhou Yue terribly.

But as before, Zhou Yue understood Mu Qin's thoughts with ease. He gently shook his head at him. "I know you want to apologize, but there's no need."

"On the contrary, I'm the one who should apologize... I actually knew very well how much pressure you were under then. Your family circumstances were poor, your finances were so tight, and the difference between us made you feel there was no hope. I knew you might want to give up. I had expected you to leave."

Zhou Yue continued, "But I was too confident then. I thought I could find you and bring you back."

"To be honest, when I learned you had applied to enlist and gone to a provincial military unit, I was quite happy. I had always wanted an opportunity to escape my parents' control, and enlistment was a perfect reason. So I suggested to my parents that I wanted to join the military for two years of training as well. At first they refused, but I said that, for the sake of my future, military training would make me stronger. My parents thought that made sense, so they agreed."

When Zhou Yue said this, Mu Qin stared at him in surprise. "But I never saw you in the military."

"Of course you didn't. I had wanted to join the same company as you, and I even asked a senior officer to help arrange it. But something went wrong in the middle, and it seems my father intervened, so I was sent to train at a more advanced military base instead."

"I stayed there for two years. You know... once you enter a place like the military, you belong to the state. Unless you are discharged, don't expect to get out easily. Trapped there, I was frantic to find you. But every day, there was so much training waiting for me. At the time, the instructor told me I could be granted leave only after I completed the training, so I trained extremely hard..."

"So that's how your hands became like this?" With regret and heartache, Mu Qin looked at Zhou Yue's hands. They were no longer the hands from his memories, the ones that could play the piano so beautifully.

"It's all right." Zhou Yue saw that Mu Qin was grieving for him and comforted him instead. Unable to resist, he reached out and carefully touched Mu Qin's cheek. "These hands of mine are tough. It's not as though I can never play the piano again."

After saying that, Zhou Yue gazed at Mu Qin with his right eye, utterly captivated. "Mu Qin, you're still as beautiful as you were back then."